Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
