I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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