Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
