NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
