I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
