I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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