when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
