i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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