Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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