i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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