I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
