census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Randomize
