I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
