my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
me + whiskey = a bad person
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
