this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
