dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
