i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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