you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
