I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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