Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
