God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
