I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
