I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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