Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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