please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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