I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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