you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
