so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
