I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
