two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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