I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
