i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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