I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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