I heard we made out
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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