The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
