I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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