I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
