Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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