that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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