I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She needs sedatives and a leash
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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