Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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