my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
