His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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