I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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