I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
