I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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