He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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