Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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