i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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