i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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